True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
