Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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