Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
