if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
