Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
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You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
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I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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