At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
