So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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