Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
