Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
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No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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