From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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