Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
