Acid is not a monday night drug
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
