Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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