let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
