it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
