we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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