Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
