I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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