I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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