the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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