I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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