I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Randomize
