i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
