I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
