he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
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I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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