Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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