Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She bit a glass in half.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
