If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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