Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
