that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
