Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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