So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
