I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
