My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
