so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
