The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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