I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
