theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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