Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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