How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
God, I missed his penis.
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