I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
