i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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