My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
