We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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