Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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