i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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