I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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