and she was petting her beer can
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
