ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
