My nipple is on Facebook.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We're too hungover to prance.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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