Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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