I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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