first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
