Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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