Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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